Friday, October 22, 2010

Second in a series of 3 of the Hate Lists: Number 2: Jaq's hate list.
- Gwyneth Paltrow. Skinny, insipid duck faced bitch with lank blonde hair. Insipid mole. And that bloke of hers looks like he wets the bed. In fact, put her at the top of my list.
- 'Quirky' people
- Anyone who has an 'image', e.g. 'I am a .. hippie'
- Cyclists
- Rainbow knee socks
- Cyclists who wear rainbow knee socks
- Women who term themselves as yummy mummies.. 'no you are not, you are a fat slag with a stretched vagina and stretch marks, and saggy beaten up tits'
- Climate change advocates who try to shove it down my throat. 'So smug and self-satisfied. You don't know shit I don't know'
- People who think music 'defines' them, and they have a soundtrack to every little minutia of their life, e.g.'this song defines me!' 'I discovered... Rufus Wainright.... yeah!!! I saw him unplugged in 1997 in this pub once....'
- …. and travellers, who say that every trip is harder and more gruelling than anyone else's, and they had the proper experience and hung out with the locals, I'm like, 'You climbed Machu Piccu before it was a tourist attraction?? COME ON'
- Anyone who uses the terms 'carbon' and 'footprint' in the same sentence, and ANYONE who lives on 'Sustainability Street'
- Disgusting drunk PIGS who do disgusting things and then brag about how drunk they were. 'Oh my god I was so drunk I don't ever remember....'
- When you go to the hairdresser when you have limited time and they GIVE YOU THE APPRENTICE and all you want to do is beat her face in with a shampoo bottle while she gives you a half arsed flaccid scalp massage for half an hour. Its like a bad blow job. (Carly): 'It's like poor oral sex'
- People who get offended by the word 'cunt'
- Predatory women who see you standing there with your boyfriend and then they start to pull out all the moves to get your boyfriend. Back OFF.
- AND if I had a dollar for every mother fucker who takes photos on their holidays, and thinks their photo should be in national geographic, I would be rich. Everyone has taken photos of their holidays. You are not an amateur photographer.
- I hate sports. And people who actually give a shit if Australia wins a gold medal
- Use of the word 'heroes'
- Bandwagon jumpers, especially of the do-gooder variety. e.g people who put 'refugees welcome here!' stickers on their front doors.
- When Princess Diana died and people actually gave a shit and people started crying, and I'm like 'how are you related to her??'
- the footy show - they all sit round pontificating about fucking football.
- Anyone who is a brown noser at work. Get a grip, its a job, have some fucking dignity
- Shane Warne.....'ew I think I just vommed in my mouth.' says Carly. And Simone Warne, I mean honestly
- Men who love their wives sooooooooooooo much and then as soon as the poor bitch dies he is marrying a 28 yr old woman. Jane McGrath must be angry about this. If I die, I hope Matt NEVER moves on, and if he does I will haunt him
- I hate people with migraines. What a downer.
- When your boyfriend has an ex girlfriend as a friend on facebook. You just know that your bf is secretly stalking their page whenever he gets a chance.
- I hate people who think they are hip and groovy. I would chuck a molotov at those fucking hipsters down Smith st
- Tandoori tans. YUCK
- When women whinge about men they took home – look, you went to bed at 2 with a 10 and got up at 10 with a 2. Get over it, we have all been there.
- Guys who are punching above their weight, e.g. the ugliest mother fucker in the room will always come up to YOU. 'What are you up to tonight??' I am like, 'I am trying to avoid gargoyles like you. Isn't there some gothic building missing you right now??'
- Facebook hating... people who use their status update to make deep and meaningful observations about the meaning of life.. or update it every hour to tell you what they are currently doing, ie.'Mandy Smith is eating a donut"
- You know what I hate? Me. I wake up in the morning, I look in the mirror, and I am like 'FUCK YOU' and I just want to punch myself in my smug face. What have you got to be smug about bitch? I say to myself
- Hate lists. they make me sound so negative.

1 comment:

Kate said...

This made me laugh so hard. Best read in ages.