Fucking fucking Bear Grylls. Am forced every monday to watch him posture in some fucking wilderness, and he is shitting me to fucking tears.

Allow us for a moment to examine your average formulaic episode:

1. Drops from plane, crosses self, into WILD terrain
2. Walks a bit, gestures about how tough land is, etc (wild)
3. Runs out of water. (Or does he??) Drinks own urine.
4. Gets hot. Takes underpants off, puts on head (I mean, obviously!! You would think in his survival pack there would be a frigging HAT. Fucktard.)
5.  Repeats step 3.
6. Wanders a bit more, forages for food, preferably local and protected species, to kill and eat
7. Kills and eats innocent animal. Preferably raw and wriggling.
8. Constructs makeshift hut form natures bounty, gesturing to (longsuffering) cameraman about how in the wild, if you are to survive, it's all about psychology. Builds a shelter. Makes a fire.
9. Edited out bit of him packing up, popping back to shangri la hotel for hot shower, some local prostitutes and a king sized bed
10. Back to wild. Has deep philosophical moment where he talks deeply and meaningfully about beauty of land and man's place in it. Makes fire
11. Finds the highway. Credits roll.