Friday, October 23, 2009


A couple of weeks ago, it was about 2am, and I found myself awake (and this happens quite frequently, and I count myself lucky I can function on 4-5 hours a night, but I am not going to detail that here, nor am I going to detail my latest romantic disappointment, because I am not really in the mood to whore my personal shit on the intertubes right now) and thus I was in my bathroom, fossicking about for my valerian root, when my hand touched something that moved.

Not a nice feeling when something crawls over your hand now is it? Especially when you are not expecting it.

Removed my hand. You know what it was? A cockroach. A fucking disgusting cockroach. Reddish brown in colour, about 4 cm long with antennae as long as its body.

I attempted to capture it, but as I said it was 2am. I was awake but not at my personal bug squashing best and so retired to bed, with a parting 'Look. Don't think I didn't fucking see you, little fucker. I will be dealing with you tomorrow. Do you understand?'

I don't think he took me seriously. I hate cockroaches.

Next morning he kept a very low profile, knowing the issues he had caused. I named him after my ex boyfriend – shifty, filthy, scuttling away at the first sign of trouble, etc. (Bit unfair, on the cockroach, but we digress). Made FOAH aware of unwelcome new tenant. She refused to let me kill him, as killing one of God's creatures is not right blah blah and some other hippie bullshit she got me to swallow. She saw him and he scuttled away again, evading capture. Little fucker.

I was beginning to believe that C had found his own way outside, when tonight I heard a blood curdling screech from the bathroom, where FOAH was showering.

'The cockroach! Michelle I can't deal with it. I can't! Get a container!'

(Aside: FOAH is a nurse. She deals with human fecal matter, blood and old men's willies on a daily basis. Bugs are a different ball park? Odd.)

Rolled up my (dressing gown) sleeves and made my way into the bathroom, empty yogurt contained in hand. Tactically placed some shampoo bottles around C, blocking off his means of escape. He was then trapped, placed in container and in quick motion the lid was placed on top of him, sealing his fate forever. Ran to the door and dropped C over balcony and into the night.

Swaggered back into the house. I'm not a total fucking princess am I?

Also, although I have had an average day, I am ever so grateful for small mercies.