Dear Managing Director of Voodoo Hosiery

I write to you in extreme frustration and a somewhat red face. Allow me to begin by saying that I am a prolific pantihose wearer and have been since from at least the age of 18 (and possibly before) due to my shyness of exposing my less than toned legs. (My flatmate says I have quite nice legs, but still I prefer to keep my legs covered, and anyway she is just being nice, and she is a nurse so naturally empathetic). It is a rare day (one over 30 degrees) where I neglect to clad my legs in fabric of some various denier; and your brand has always been a favourite. Not quite as nice as the scaperelli, certainly nicer than the brand at priceline. A very good reliable brand (and the firm control shine in celestial have been a fave). In summary, I believe I am in a good position in my consumer habits to form opinions around your product.

So Friday night I am in my office, preparing to go out for Little Anna's birthday. It remains chill at nights in Melbourne these days, and as I opted to wear a black shirt dress that has become a true favorite over the last month, pantihose of some description were obvs required. I had noticed earlier that day that there was a hole in the current (opaque, black) pair that I had been wearing, so naturally before getting changed I went downstairs to the chemist and brokered a deal on the new ladderless technology.

Well, I am here to tell you, Mr VD, that the name of your ladderless tights is indeed spurious.

I won't go into the detail of my discovering of this technology failure, except to say that the hose was not in contact with my leg for more than a second, when it snagged and, yes, it laddered. Suffice to say it involved a little bit of unladylike language and an aim at the bin. So there I am, (bare)legging it back down to the chemist, who were somewhat surprised to see me again within such a short period. Not wanting to make the same mistake, I opted for a pair of your micronets.

Back to ladies'. Slight sense of deja vue. Pulled (gently, promise) the pair of nets on, only to once more be bitterly disappointed as a large hole immediately insinuated itself around my hip / buttock area. Knowing the chemist would now be shut, I knew my only option was to venture out onto the streets of Melbourne, with a large pantihose hole under my dress, trying to ignore the cold air on my skin. I did in the end, have quite a nice evening, (apart from the best part of a glass of pinot noir being upended into my lap), in spite of wearing substandard tights under my outfit. $40 on hosiery, sir, and one very cold buttock to show for it. You can imagine my disappointment and frustration.

I would ask that you give some serious thought to your marketing material around ladderlessness. I don't suit trousers at all, as am too short. And we are a long way off 30 deg yet.